The tide is high but I’m holding on

Mood: indescribable  Music: The Tide is High - Billie Piper  Reading: Stuff for school, Game Informer

I have a LOT to say so I think I’ll put everything behind a cut. Be prepared, this is sort of a cathartic entry. So much has happened in the last few days.

Some good, some bad, all me.

Sunday, I became very aware of the attitude problem that my co-workers hold with the people who are in charge of the department. I won’t get into too much detail because I’ve said my peace elsewhere (Twitter, mainly, but I was vague there too), but I’m only human. It upset me immensely to see the people I work with subtly undermine me in the ways that they did. I felt like crying because they were pissed off. And I knew it was because of what I did that pissed them off.

I am very empathetic person. When someone is upset, I end up getting upset too. If someone is happy, I match their enthusiasm. If you’re neutral to me, I will be neutral to you. If you’re sarcastic with me, I’ll throw it right back in your face, word for word. I’m basically a blank slate that molds itself to the person or situation. I’m an emotional vampire in that sense.

However, I do take some of the blame. Fully and truly. I should not have underestimated what eventually happened. I am pretty sure that a) there will be fallout when I go back to work tomorrow, or b) it has already been dealt with, and rumors will be going around about how I don’t belong in this job.

But instead of talking to us about any apprehensions, they will talk amongst their cliques. They’ll shut down if you ask them anything directly. It’s sickening. If you’re willing to make some changes, discuss issues with your supervisors, and move on, then we can make changes. If you’re unwilling to discuss issues directly with us, then the morale in the department goes down.

My whole thing is, if you don’t like how we work, and you honestly think we won’t change, then leave. Change is a two-way street. It’s give and it’s take. This is just as much as our department as yours. Let’s work together.

If you don’t like what we are doing, talk to us. Don’t keep it inside. We can’t help you make this job a smooth ride unless you say something. Are you afraid of losing your job? The only way that would happen – if you ask me – is an out and out display of insubordination, or you’re simply not working out. The last one usually happens with newbies; the former, I have never seen played out, so I doubt that would happen to anyone right now.

I didn’t participate in the cliques and gossip when I was an extra board, so now seeing it played out in front of me makes me want to bolt. Which sucks. Because I earned my job. I fought to get where I am.

So I went home with all these emotions hanging over me. I was truly upset. Just thinking about the drama puts knots in my stomach. I’ve had them ever since I left work on Sunday. But I’ll deal with whatever might be going on when I come in to work tomorrow.

I scheduled an appointment to get my car tuned up at 7AM on Monday morning. Due to the emotional roller coaster from Sunday, I didn’t sleep well that night. I went to bed at 1AM, up by 6 to get ready to go. Turns out I booked the appointment at the other Nissan dealership on the same street! I had meant to go to the one that I bought my car from, just because we know where it is. But I was so excited to see you could book an appointment online, I didn’t even double-check the name! I even have the name of the dealership where I bought my car on the front license plate holder!! lmfao. I forget sometimes how huge Vegas is. Some streets start at the north side of town, and keeps going until they hit Henderson!

Turned the car in without too much trouble… and left everything in it! My gate opener, my garage door opener, my water bottle, my parking permit for work. FML. lol. Also, turns out because the car was still under warranty, that most of the repairs are covered. Such a relief. I’m sure most of what they found were from the accident last summer, either as a direct result or sprang up over the course of the last few months. Yuk.

Went to Nellis because Mom had stuff to do. Had breakfast there, did a bit of shopping. I hit up the GameStop on base, and bought a bunch of gear for my Wii. Mom bought a beautiful Asian songbird art piece for the house. It was 30% off and rightly so. She took it home, cleaned it up and one of the pieces fell off! lol.

We stocked up hardcore at the commissary too. Pushing that cart of groceries was like pushing a bell cart at work, whew. Went home, played with “Just Dance” for a bit, and then went to pick up the rental since the shop had said they had to keep it until Tuesday. Got lost on Boulder Highway, went to the WRONG Enterprise rent-a-car shop, but they still helped us out. Told C that I went to Phoenix, pissed her off (lol). Had to go back to the dealership to get my stuff out of the car, at least, the stuff I needed.

I made up for not taking her to Phoenix by taking her to Urban Outfitters so I could spend some gift cards that I had gotten and were burning a hole in my wallet. I bought some cute button-up sweaters (one is green, one is blue-striped, and one is gray), a vintage dress from their Urban Renewal line, and one professional-ish looking jacket. I wanted some new pieces in my wardrobe and thought it’d be a perfect place to get stuff.

Notice how I haven’t mentioned food. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and quite nearly passed out in Urban. Not fun. There was just so much going on that I simply hadn’t had the time. Mom made ham hocks & beans, and ooh, did I pig out when we got home. Then, me and the girls played “Just Dance” until we couldn’t stand up. Well, me mostly, lol. I got quite the workout. I think I’ll make it my workout game. Wii Fit is so formal, and so is DDR. “Just Dance” is just boogeying and I LOVE doing that.

Woke up early today to go to school as usual. Being tired from running around the city and Henderson three times over the last day or so (easily), I was definitely at a low point energy-wise, even with a decent night’s rest and breakfast. I contemplated skipping school, rolling over and going back to sleep but I thought I’d use my one free sick days for something else. Had Wendy’s for lunch, but could barely make it through my last class without passing out. My eyes were doing this strange flickering thing that they do when I’m exhausted. Luckily my prof gives us a break halfway through the 3 hour block. So I put my head down on my table and closed my eyes for 20 minutes. Ooh, did that help.

I tested out the acceleration on the rental, and it’s sickkkk. Even with my heavy foot, he coasted so cleanly from school to Target that I fell in love. It’s the updated version of my car, either ’08 or ’09, and my car is only an ’05. I was like, “Dang.” Seriously. Took my breath away.

On the way home from school, I stopped by Target to look at what they had clothes-wise, as well as pick up some other stuff I had been waiting to purchase until I got paid. I was supposed to pick up my niece C from school, but she told me at the last minute that she had a ride home so I ended up wasting a couple of hours there. My only complaint about Urban is that I love the clothes and the vibe, but I look like a dork trying to wear their clothes. I’m really not an “urban” person, style-wise. I’m classic: t-shirts, jeans, simple colors, black Chucks. So Target is the perfect place for me. I ended up buying a few new bras, some camis, a couple of t-shirts, a Goonies shirt, a Sesame Street shirt (both from the boys’ section) and 2 new dresses. I’m really trying to inspire myself to wear dresses more by buying them. My wearing dresses is like the opposite of out of sight, out of mind: if it’s in your closet, WEAR IT. lol.

That brings us to right now. Watching this week’s ep of “Secret Diary of a Call Girl” again and writing this.

I told you I had a lot to talk about!

?: “Do you wear dresses a lot?”