You've become a part of me

Mood: tired  Music: Only You Babe - Curtis Mayfield  Reading: Olivia Joules

I woke up this morning with a very strong feeling I was going to be called in. I had a hard enough time trying to go to bed, my sixth sense kicked in when my alarm went off. It said, “because you’re tired, they’re gonna call you in.” I was on call, and what do you know? I was asked to come in.

My first 8-hour shift in AGES. I am grateful to the full-timer who called off though, haha. Of course they picked the perfect day to call in.

The desk I was working at can make room keys. Well, the key machine – including the ones at the front desk – totally borked at the top of the afternoon. Coincidentally, it was also the time of day when we start accepting check-ins. So on top of my extreme tiredness, I had to deal with telling people, “sorry, our key machines are down.” That’s so disheartening to tell people that. You should’ve seen the lines too! I’ve never seen the lobby get that crazy before.

Makes you ponder how dependent we are on technology for which there is no simple solution. When it borks, you have to reboot and wait. And wait. And wait some more. My co-worker said he saw a lot of people – male & female – yelling at our agents. I don’t know how the agents don’t burst into tears. If someone were yelling at me – even if I explained to them what was going on – and they were saying it was unacceptable, I would lose it. Period. Because there’s also a part of me that would feel responsible for making them unhappy.

I really had to will myself to stay upright. It was hard. I tried to stop at Jack in the Box for breakfast to kill the hunger in my stomach this morning, but when I pulled up to the drive-thru, there were 4 cars in front of me. I had to be at work in 20 minutes. Yeah right. So I skipped breakfast again and waited until lunch. It’s so hard to break the habit of not eating breakfast. I’ll set my alarm clock early so I have time to eat but then I’ll change it during my many morning wake-ups before the alarm clock and say, “I’ll sleep in, just a little bit more.”

I need to lose weight. I’ve been saying that for ages but I have no motivation. It’s a good thing I don’t pig out at lunch anymore. I love having our dining area. They feed us, although it does tend to get boring after awhile. It’s got a hot food area, a deli area, and a make your own salad buffet. I used to pig out ’cause I could. But it’s caught up with me. I eat iceberg and/or spinach salads with 3 cucumber pieces, 2 cherry tomatoes, mushrooms, Italian dressing with a dollop of cottage cheese on top. To augment it, I usually snag a piece of grilled chicken, 2 eggs and carrot sticks with ranch dressing on the side.

I almost never finish all my food but it doesn’t seem right unless I get all of these things on my plate. I’m kinda weird about how I eat my lunch. The hot foods seem so heavy, and sandwiches are boring. I’m trying to be good. I wanna get rid of this gut and my thunder thighs. No deadline; just think it’s about that time. I really need to tune my Ate’s bike so I can take morning rides. But my procrastinator voice says “do it later!” I hate you, inner procrastinator. *shakes fist*

Anyways, I wrote some poems because my brain was clicking with them. Here they are:

Within me, without you
My thoughts are a haze,
locked inside my true love ways.
Seeking that next high,
blurbs from a stranger’s sky.
Caged in someone else’s skin,
two hearts skip to the din.
Down and out exponentially,
pinned against the wall,
something deep inside of me.

Sing Sing Sing
I’ve forgotten how to sing.
The pen scratches paper but yields no wheat.
I’ve lost my soul to someone else’s anarchy.
Withdrawn lies under my symphony, but I gather no sympathy.
Ginger seas rock to simple little melodies.
Help me to remember how to sing.

Make Me Feel
A specter in white.
A vision in fog.
No need to be frightened,
the pain will lapse.
Brought forward on command,
lost to the gaiety of the scene.
Dizzy from the proof,
about to get thrown from the roof.

?: “How do you eat healthy? Is there such a thing?“