Almost blue

Mood: apathetic  Music: Almost Blue - Everything but the Girl  Reading: Stuff for school & Bridget Jones's Diary

So, I’m sitting here, eatin’ some sushi. Yum. I picked it up at Albertsons on the way home from school. I’ve had this bizarre craving for them lately. I had some at the VIP opening of the M Resort the other night. That’s prolly went set my taste buds off, lol.

Instead of letting my apathy get to me, I went to class tonight. I was curled up in bed, fully prepared to not go. I didn’t do the reading so it’d be kinda silly to go and try to participate in class. But, luckily, my prof confessed that he hadn’t even opened the online module for this week so he gave us all full credit. I dodged a bullet with that one.

I didn’t go to Linguistics last night. The wind is blowing in the valley, so my allergies are doing a number on me. Hence, the apathy. When I woke up from my nap yesterday afternoon, it was 530 already. Class starts at 6 and is an hour from my house, so no joy there.

Midterms are next week already! What the hell? Where did this semester go? lol. But after that, spring break. I’m working as I didn’t ask for vacation time, so it’s all good. At least I won’t have to worry about running down to old Henderson for a few days. And then after spring break, the final push for the end of the term. I’m excited. One step closer.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. And my direction in life. I haven’t really made any decisions, so don’t expect some fantastic retelling of an epiphany I didn’t have, lol.

There are signs everywhere that are telling me to move back to Cali. I was completely discouraged about moving back when we went to M’s baptism last December. The economy is eating Cali alive. I don’t know if I want to expose myself to that mess. Plus, if I moved back, would it be a step back for me? It felt like that in Modesto. However, the entire reason I wanted to go back was for Santa Cruz. I’ve got a special place in my heart for that town.

My mom’s company had their annual picnic there once when I was younger, and I fell madly in love. The beach, the boardwalk, the atmosphere. It was so laid back. I’ve lived in 2 landlocked towns my whole life: Modesto & Vegas. So Santa Cruz is more than a beachside city. It’s an oasis for the dust that ails my soul.

I told my best friend at the time D that someday I’d live there. I took her with me to the picnic and we had a great time swimming and going on the rides. When T took me down there for the day during my birthday last year, I felt like I belonged. The houses are so cute and small. T took me around and showed me the more expensive ones that face the ocean. We’d point out which ones we’d like and which ones we’d find ourselves living in someday. I looked on Yahoo Real Estate and there’s quite a few to choose from. Of course, the price of our 3 bed/3 bath house now gets a 2 bed/2 bath in SC, and not nearly the same amount of square footage. That was disheartening.

I feel like I’m still at a crossroads though. And I thought to myself: there’s no better time to make the decision to go back. Notice how I worded that. Even if I decide to go back, there are a lot of little things that need to be settled. But if I make the decision, at least it’s something to look forward to, instead of sitting here, feeling sad about myself.

Anyways, sorry, I had more to explain before I went off on that tangent, lol. I was doing my rounds on Despair and one of the girls I had to comment on took her BFF to Santa Cruz! Strike one.

Then, I had a guest the other day who told me this lovely story. I was printing out a fax for him and I noticed that it came in from Modesto. I’m like, “Oh, are you from Modesto?”

And he goes, with that familiar dismissive look on his face that only Modestans know and give, “Sorta.”

That sort of piqued my attention, so he goes on to tell me that he bought a weekend retreat in Santa Cruz for his family. They spent Christmas break there and told him they didn’t want to go back to Modesto ever, lol. He said they had lived in Modesto for 5.5 years. His business is there. And when he name dropped Del Rio Country Club, I knew he was serious. Del Rio is for those snobby, “upper class” white people. He happened to be white himself, but I gave him a pass. He was cool.

Then he cracked, “Nobody at the club tells dirty jokes! I mean, I don’t mind the city being as conservative as it is, but geez.” lol. He also noticed that his kids were more laid-back than they ever were in Modesto. I agreed because Santa Cruz does that to you. It makes the most uptight people chill out.

His parting joke? He said the girls were much hotter in Santa Cruz, lol.

He made my day, and kicked up my homesickness. This homesickness is getting to be a regular occurrence though. I wonder what it’s telling me. I mean, the only person who can make the decision to go back is me. But obviously, after I graduate school.

Also, because I am obsessive-compulsive, I actually wrote out the deadlines of certain things, such as my target graduation date, what credit cards could be paid off with a reasonable amount of time, when my car loan will be paid off. To be perfectly honest, this is all gonna happen within the next couple of years. So it’s entirely possible that the economy will bounce back and I’ll be able to move to Santa Cruz without a care in the world.

If I set my goals like this, it makes it easier to handle and more tangible, instead of just coasting by the seat of my pants. That’s how I feel. This is a lot to digest. That’s why I had to blog it out.

There are so many pros to going back, and cons too, don’t get me wrong.

I don’t feel emotionally attached to Vegas. I don’t think I ever did. If I stay, I’m going to continue to be a corporate drone. I mean, I could try and get a job that’s not on the Strip, but it’s inevitable. You can’t fight not working for the Man when you’re here. If I don’t make this decision now, I will be here for a long time and I don’t want that. I’m ready to get out of here. But I have to accomplish those v. few things on my really small list while I still have this cushion of living at home to do it with. Let’s hope I can get this through my thick skull, lol.

The more and more I think about it, the more and more I get excited. I belong in California. My dad’s family is there, my bestest friends ever. Plus the ocean! Nothing in Vegas could EVER compete with the Pacific Ocean.

Let’s all do our part and get the American economy back on track, shall we? Some of us have major life changes that depend on it, lol.

?: “Do you like sushi?“