Mood: frustrated  Music: There's Gotta Be (More To Life) - Stacie Orrico  Reading: Lysistrata, The Edible Woman

Here I go again, with my funks. Blah blah blah. I fucking hate my life.

Working FT is nice because it keeps my bank account in order. Finances are one less thing I have to worry about. But having the job takes away from other things I could be doing, i.e. homework. When I get home from a hard day at work, the last thing I want to do is study. So what do I do? I go to sleep after I eat dinner, because I’m too exhausted to do anything else.

I even tried to change it up a month ago. I put little notes in my iPhone’s calendar with an alarm to wake up and exercise and/or study, but when the alarm goes off, I ignore it. It’s so easy to ignore when it’s on my phone though. I never get a good night’s rest, so ignoring alarms is so easy for me, lol. It’s like I stay awake and while away the hours until I can go back to sleep and forget everything.

The only alarm I really pay attention to is my main one, because that’s the one that tells me to wake up otherwise I’ll be late. I don’t believe in snooze buttons. When I wake up, I wake up, that’s it. That’s why I set my alarm for the last possible minute I can be asleep. Which is ridiculous because I wake up an hour or so before I need to wake up. I have to will myself to stay asleep because I “have a few minutes” before the alarm truly goes off. I have conversations with myself, saying “be quiet, stay asleep.”

Last week, I turned in homework late for my online class, when I swore to myself I would stick with it. It’s one of those classes where everything is crammed into half a term so it’s imperative that you do the work on time because there’s no other way to make up the points. I also turned in half a reading response for that class this week too. I haven’t been keeping up with my reading in my brick & mortar classes either. Again, too exhausted to do it. Luckily for those classes, I don’t really have any formal weekly assignments. We have reading responses but they can be due anytime during the semester.

But it’s getting to be the midterm and I’m so behind in everything! Ughhh.

I really hate the daily grind. That’s all I’m trying to say. I don’t want a 9-5 job. I want to travel. I want to live by my wits. By my pen. By my camera. I don’t want to be tied down by responsibilities anymore. I don’t want to end up like everyone around me. They’re all zombies who work too hard to keep food on the table, clothes on their backs, and a roof over their heads. I mean, hell, “you can’t take it with you.” But I don’t even care about material things like that.

I don’t want to drown my sorrows in drink or drugs, like typical twentysomethings. That sort of life has never appealed to me. I want to see, I want to drown in the emotion, I want to get lost for a few days, get out of my element, and not feel like I have to check in with anybody.

I want to experience, quite simply, to live.

I’m glad I’ve never felt pressured to be anything I didn’t want to be. I was strongly encouraged to do things. But if it didn’t suit me, I’d walk away, wash my hands of it, and move on. I’ve coasted through life thus far, and now I’m 26 years old. I’m too young to feel this way.

Everyone has a passion right? Well, I don’t. I’ve never felt passionate about anything in my life.

Maybe I’m lonely. Then again, I’m never truly alone, which sucks. I can’t even eat a meal by myself without noise. At work, our dining room is so damn loud with everyone coming and going that I have to drown everything out with a movie or music on my iPhone. I can’t eat a meal at home, because then my dad will open his big, fat mouth with irrelevant banter that I really don’t want to hear, or my niece will come down and bother me while I’m preparing my plate of food. I know someday I’ll miss all of this, but right now? I could care less, lol. That’s why I eat my room so much, the “cave” they call it. I don’t care. I want to be left alone.

I do wish I had a man in my life. I don’t think I’d be a very good girlfriend. I’m too smart for my own good, which is a good thing. I don’t want to be with someone who wasn’t intellectually stimulating. I’m definitely not going to “act stupid” to land a good man. Nor am I going to whore myself out.

I’d be a good wife though. If that’s one thing my parents taught me, it was to take care of everyone else. If anything, I’m very good at that. /sarcasm But that was what was expected. You’re the girl, you have no life, you babysit. And by default, because you babysit, you won’t ever have a life of your own again. We don’t need to bother your little brother with all this babysitting other people’s kids stuff. “You have to help out the family.” What about ME? What I wanted to be a part of?? What about my lost adolescence?????

And now I can’t ever leave. I’m going to live here forever, blending in with the furniture, the walls, choked to death by my own self-imposed apathy.

I don’t want to be like this. But when I throw feelers out there that I’d like to make it on my own, they guilt me into staying. Maybe I am selfish, but I’ve been watching out for everyone else my entire life, being a scapegoat, a sounding board for everyone in my real life.

Then again, failure is never an option. I will never fail if I never attempt something new or scary. So I can’t blame anyone but myself for not trying to make a go of things.

I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere in my life though. My heart and my brain know this. It’s just breathe in, breathe out, as the days fall over the calendar. I’m waiting for things to fall into place, but I’m tired of waiting.

This life that you think I lead when you read this blog, on Twitter, or Facebook, is not even 50% of who I am. So don’t get confused.

?: “If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be? Be honest, don’t tell me ‘I wouldn’t change anything’, because EVERYONE wants to change something.“